Diff'rent Strokes For Diff'rent Folks

Meticulously sorting her beads...
Protecting the beads...
(sound it out) "Sin sr le" protecting the beads...no sharing here...


I had a request recently from a friend asking for posts about techniques I use with the kids (you know, the ones that don't include me screaming "Grow up! You're acting like a child!" and "You make Mommy want to drink!" and "Is it time for me to go to work yet?!" and, well, you get the picture.) Here goes.
.

Sharing is a hard concept for kids. Heck, it's a hard concept for some adults--who am I kidding. I used different techniques for both of the children because I've found that they have two very different personalities. With Ella, I can appeal to her innate sense of right and wrong. She's definitely a play-by-the-rules kinda gal and has a pretty black and white view of what to do. From the time she was very little, I could reason with her when something like sharing was expected from her. I would sit her down, explain that "sharing is caring" and that this was something she needed to do. She would nod her affirmation of understanding my request and the exchange of goods would be completed because she knew it was the right thing to do. I realized this was a unique feature to Ella when my friends threatened to slash my tires and spit in my food if I didn't shut up about it. She's always been very in tune with the needs of others even to this day. Each day when she goes to school, she wears 2 pairs of gloves. Is it because her hands are cold? Nope. It's because she wants to be the girl that has an extra pair at recess for the child that forgot theirs at home.
.

When Luke came along, he had a different view of sharing. It involved more of what I would term "crying," screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!," and falling over in true drama queen fashion. Toddlers and Tiaras had nothing on this kid. If I tried to sit him down as I had with Ella, he would politely nod and act as if he understood. Once back to the situation, he acted like we had just discussed the price of tofu at the grocery because there was no sharing, no caring, and this resulted in much crying (mostly mine).
.

Around the time that he was 2 1/2 or 3, I retreated from the previous "sharing is required" policy with Luke and developed a new and improved technique. This included telling him that he didn't have to share anything he didn't want to.
.

WHAT? WHAT KIND OF HORRIBLE PARENT ARE YOU?!
.

Before you grab your pitchfork, torches, and mob mentality, listen to the rest of it.
.

New policy went a little something like this: He didn't have to share anything he didn't want to share but everything had consequences. With food, I would start out giving him small portions of things like chips. He didn't have to share his chips with Ella but if he didn't share, he would not get any additional bites of it for himself. No seconds, not "just one more" apple slice, not even one more itty bitty piece of popcorn. Yes, there were plenty of screams of "WHOLE ONE! I WANT A WHOLE ONE!" when he couldn't have more than one piece of an apple. If he wouldn't share a truck, that was fine by me but he would have to play in another room away from everyone else. Somehow this worked for Luke's personality. I think it allowed him to feel like he had the tiniest bit of control which is very central to his personality. I was very clear each time we ran into this issue that in no way was I requiring him to share anything with anyone but that there were consequences for his actions. When he was old enough, I would make him repeat back to me in his own words why he couldn't have any more of a particular food or why he had to play in another room. I wanted to make sure he understood that I wasn't being mean to him but that what was happening was a direct result of his own choices. For a social child like Luke, playing in another room was torture.
.

I recently explained this policy to another Mom at Ella's ballet class and felt very judged by her. The look on her face was of utter disbelief that I wouldn't just punish my kid into submission or physically force him to share by taking away what he already had. But think about how you feel as an adult when someone takes something away from you. Your boss take away your bonus? No more raises? Corner office downsized into a cubicle? It pisses you off and makes your judgment cloudy, right?
.
What do you all think about this? Quirky? Stupid? Right on?

.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying that either of these techniques are the only ones to follow. The thing I'm trying to get across is that sometimes you have to guide the rules to be most appropriate to each child. Or just say to heck with it and drink the rest of that big bottle of wine.